Wednesday, June 25, 2014

You passed, no wait you failed, no wait you're fine.

Yep. The title says it all.  On Monday morning I anxiously and nervously called my OB's office to get my results.  I knew I'd have wait wait for a nurse to call me back, but I wanted to put a call in as soon as possible.  Of course, they quickly called back to my surprise and I missed the call but they had left a voice-mail.  Hands shaking, I checked my voice-mail and to my shock, I received the news that I passed.  I was relieved.  I wanted to cheer.  I wanted to scream.  I immediately told my husband, my mom, and a few friends.  Although I was excited that I passed, I wanted to know my numbers.  I HAD to know them.  

THANK GOD I called the doctor back.

When I called, the nurse pulled up the chart and the phone got quiet.  And then said said "Wait, actually it looks like you didn't pass".  Your numbers were high for the last two blood draws.


That was my first word.  The nurse seemed confused. I started to cry.  (How does one person have this many tears?)  I asked her to contact the nurse practitioner that I'd been seeing my last few visits and to call me back with a course of action.  I wasn't about to wait until my check-up on Friday to get the information I needed.  

My phone rang not soon after and it was the nurse again saying that they discussed my results and that according to a second scale (yeah, I know what you're thinking. There is no second scale) I only failed one part.  She told me that I was good to go and that I didn't have gestational diabetes.  In my mind I was thinking two things: #1, you're a complete moron who doesn't know how to read results and #2, no, I'm not good to go.  Failing two, according to the scale that I had googled the entire week before, made me realize that I did indeed have GD.  She told me the nurse practitioner would call me shortly.

When the nurse practitioner called me back, I was in tears.  She asked how I was and my first word was "STRESSED" and I'm pretty sure I screamed it at her.  She again, assured me that I was fine and that I did only fail one section.  LIAR.  As much as I didn't want to be diagnosed with GD, I knew that if they didn't tell me I was, I already knew.  

I go through moments completely fine with it and then moments where I'm outraged that someone as healthy as me now has to watch every morsel of food that goes into my mouth.  Then I go into crying fits where literally, my entire body shakes.  HOT MESS.  This mama is a HOT MESS.

I spoke with a few friends who admitted to being diagnosed with it when they were pregnant and they gave me some tips. I'm all fine and dandy eating healthy, but really, I'm eating LESS now than I was when I was trying to lose weight.  I've already dropped two pounds according to my bathroom scale (I was weighed at the doctor's office on 6/13 and when I weighed myself yesterday I was 2 pounds lighter). Now if I wasn't pregnant this would be awesomesauce.  But I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant. I don't need to be losing one OUNCE at this point.  My little jelly bean needs me to be healthy so she can be healthy.

Since I really don't know if I have GD, my husband and I talked and we decided to be proactive and go out and purchase a blood glucose monitor machine.  So, I have been pricking my finger since last night.  I did it last night for the first time an hour after I ate and my numbers were good.  Well, duh. I had chicken, veggies, and a sweet potato.  

This morning my "resting" glucose was almost at the limit which shocked me because last week at the doctor, my fasting was like 65, which is well below the cutoff.  I think it's because of the almond butter and sweet potato crackers I ate RIGHT before I went to bed.  

After breakfast, I waited two hours (I'm not sure if I should be waiting one hour or two hours after eat, I'll have to ask my doctor who says that I don't even have it, while I'm there on Friday), and my numbers were good.  

DUH, again. I had an egg & cheese sandwich on whole grain bread.  

Needless to say, I'm still a mess over this.  It's hard.  Unless you've had it, it's hard to relate.  It's nothing that you've ever experienced before.  I appreciate everyone telling me that I'll be okay, but when you're almost 8 months pregnant and you're told something like this, your heart sinks.  Guilt fills it up.  You feel knocked down.  Defeated.  A failure.  

Will I eventually learn to deal with this? Sure thing, you bet.  But there is always a thought in the back of my mind that I did this.  That three years from now, I'll develop type-2 diabetes.  That 10 years from now, my little jelly bean will be diagnosed with it too.  Fear.  And when you're pregnant and full of hormones, the fear is magnified by tears.  And what sucks is that I have NO control over what will happen.  

The only thing I have control over is watching what I eat, which I know I can do.  However, when you're almost 31 weeks pregnant, all you want to do is eat and I can't do that.  

Luckily I haven't cried today.  It's a good day when that happens.  Hopefully I can maintain my composure and stick through this. 

I'll make it.  God never gives you what you can't handle right? :)

OH - and for those of you thinking my OB practice is full of whack-jobs. You're right.  After my little jelly bean is born, I'm staying FAR, FAR away from that place.  For sure. 

Simply Blessed,

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