Wednesday, June 25, 2014

You passed, no wait you failed, no wait you're fine.

Yep. The title says it all.  On Monday morning I anxiously and nervously called my OB's office to get my results.  I knew I'd have wait wait for a nurse to call me back, but I wanted to put a call in as soon as possible.  Of course, they quickly called back to my surprise and I missed the call but they had left a voice-mail.  Hands shaking, I checked my voice-mail and to my shock, I received the news that I passed.  I was relieved.  I wanted to cheer.  I wanted to scream.  I immediately told my husband, my mom, and a few friends.  Although I was excited that I passed, I wanted to know my numbers.  I HAD to know them.  

THANK GOD I called the doctor back.

When I called, the nurse pulled up the chart and the phone got quiet.  And then said said "Wait, actually it looks like you didn't pass".  Your numbers were high for the last two blood draws.

WHAT?

That was my first word.  The nurse seemed confused. I started to cry.  (How does one person have this many tears?)  I asked her to contact the nurse practitioner that I'd been seeing my last few visits and to call me back with a course of action.  I wasn't about to wait until my check-up on Friday to get the information I needed.  

My phone rang not soon after and it was the nurse again saying that they discussed my results and that according to a second scale (yeah, I know what you're thinking. There is no second scale) I only failed one part.  She told me that I was good to go and that I didn't have gestational diabetes.  In my mind I was thinking two things: #1, you're a complete moron who doesn't know how to read results and #2, no, I'm not good to go.  Failing two, according to the scale that I had googled the entire week before, made me realize that I did indeed have GD.  She told me the nurse practitioner would call me shortly.

When the nurse practitioner called me back, I was in tears.  She asked how I was and my first word was "STRESSED" and I'm pretty sure I screamed it at her.  She again, assured me that I was fine and that I did only fail one section.  LIAR.  As much as I didn't want to be diagnosed with GD, I knew that if they didn't tell me I was, I already knew.  

I go through moments completely fine with it and then moments where I'm outraged that someone as healthy as me now has to watch every morsel of food that goes into my mouth.  Then I go into crying fits where literally, my entire body shakes.  HOT MESS.  This mama is a HOT MESS.

I spoke with a few friends who admitted to being diagnosed with it when they were pregnant and they gave me some tips. I'm all fine and dandy eating healthy, but really, I'm eating LESS now than I was when I was trying to lose weight.  I've already dropped two pounds according to my bathroom scale (I was weighed at the doctor's office on 6/13 and when I weighed myself yesterday I was 2 pounds lighter). Now if I wasn't pregnant this would be awesomesauce.  But I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant. I don't need to be losing one OUNCE at this point.  My little jelly bean needs me to be healthy so she can be healthy.

Since I really don't know if I have GD, my husband and I talked and we decided to be proactive and go out and purchase a blood glucose monitor machine.  So, I have been pricking my finger since last night.  I did it last night for the first time an hour after I ate and my numbers were good.  Well, duh. I had chicken, veggies, and a sweet potato.  

This morning my "resting" glucose was almost at the limit which shocked me because last week at the doctor, my fasting was like 65, which is well below the cutoff.  I think it's because of the almond butter and sweet potato crackers I ate RIGHT before I went to bed.  

After breakfast, I waited two hours (I'm not sure if I should be waiting one hour or two hours after eat, I'll have to ask my doctor who says that I don't even have it, while I'm there on Friday), and my numbers were good.  

DUH, again. I had an egg & cheese sandwich on whole grain bread.  

Needless to say, I'm still a mess over this.  It's hard.  Unless you've had it, it's hard to relate.  It's nothing that you've ever experienced before.  I appreciate everyone telling me that I'll be okay, but when you're almost 8 months pregnant and you're told something like this, your heart sinks.  Guilt fills it up.  You feel knocked down.  Defeated.  A failure.  

Will I eventually learn to deal with this? Sure thing, you bet.  But there is always a thought in the back of my mind that I did this.  That three years from now, I'll develop type-2 diabetes.  That 10 years from now, my little jelly bean will be diagnosed with it too.  Fear.  And when you're pregnant and full of hormones, the fear is magnified by tears.  And what sucks is that I have NO control over what will happen.  

The only thing I have control over is watching what I eat, which I know I can do.  However, when you're almost 31 weeks pregnant, all you want to do is eat and I can't do that.  

Luckily I haven't cried today.  It's a good day when that happens.  Hopefully I can maintain my composure and stick through this. 

I'll make it.  God never gives you what you can't handle right? :)

OH - and for those of you thinking my OB practice is full of whack-jobs. You're right.  After my little jelly bean is born, I'm staying FAR, FAR away from that place.  For sure. 

Simply Blessed,
Lauren

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Happy Summer!

Happy Summer!!!

I'm so excited summer is officially here! Summertime for me always means one thing and it involves this little princess...


Yep, that's right - my darling niece Ava is back in town for the summer!  We had a blast last year so I'm so pumped to have another adventure-filled summer planned!  Somehow I'm determined to spend time outside with her - starting with the Lowry Park Zoo sometime next week! (Teachers get in for free, woot woot!!!)

We kicked off summer today by having a little birthday party for Ava, poolside! :) This seems to be a early tradition because it's always so much fun!  I was a tad late to the party because I had grad class, but it was officially my last class and I'm almost done! Just a few more papers to write for my portfolio, but I will be done in a week! Woot woot! 

Okay - back to the party! It was a blast! Here's some pics to show the fun times we had! 

 Auntie Lauren made the cake 
and although I need to watch my sugar intake,
I totally had a small piece. (Scraped off the frosting).
So. freaking. good.

Love this picture! 

 Reading her birthday card from us!

 Sunbathing beauty!

She sure is getting tall!  I'm guessing in a few years, she'll be taller than me! Zoikes! 

I'd say the party was a success because she spent the entire time the water.  She cared less about the presents - she opened them and then jumped right back into the water! :) Just keep swimmin'! 

So, today was a great day! Well, for the most part. Still having a few moments where all I can think about is waiting to hear the test results (fingers crossed I can bug the doctor's office Monday morning about my test), but I guess I'm going to have those moments now and again.  Last night we went out to dinner with friends and I had a complete meltdown when we got home.  Thank God I have such a wonderful husband who assures me that none of this is my fault and that we'll just keep on praying about it. God must be getting sick of hearing me because trust me, it's all I've been doing the past 5 days.  He'll get a few more prayers tomorrow morning in church! :)

Well, I'm off to make myself presentable so Shaun can take my 30 week picture! Gosh, how in the world are we only 10 weeks away from the arrival of our little jelly bean?!?! Can't wait to meet her! 

Talk to you sometime during the week!

Simply Blessed, 
Lauren 




Thursday, June 19, 2014

Labels

What's with America's obsession with labeling people. It starts with little things like "short" or "fat" and grows into other things like "middle class" and "upper class".  Or it can be something seen in schools - the "jocks", the "punk" kids, the "popular" ones.  It can be something as small as calling someone "crunchy" for being into eating naturally and not using products that contain harmful GMOs or for products tested on animals.  

Is seems to me that we are getting out of control with being too much into other people's business.  Too much into their private lives.  Blame Facebook. Blame Instagram.  Blame society in general.  But life is becoming far too complicated because we are all too worried what others will think of us after we share a photo on social networking or when we post a status on Facebook that leaves people scratching their heads.  

So why this post? Well, as all pregnant women do at the start of their third trimester, take the "dreaded" glucose test.  Yes, that delicious beverage that we are forced to chug in 5 minutes and then wait around for an hour to have our blood drawn.  The end result? Either hearing "you're fine" or "you'll need to come in for the three hour test, after you've fasted for 12 hours".  I recently took my one hour test and I was convinced that I was fine. I have such healthy eating habits, I work out almost every day, and my pregnancy weight gain has been totally acceptable (per guidelines of my doctor. To me, 18.5 lbs is a lot, but there is a human growing inside of me).  So when I called my doctor on Tuesday morning and the nurse told me that I failed, I was shocked.  No, shocked isn't even the word. I can't even think of the word to describe how I felt.  After she explained that I would need to come in for the three hours, my voice got shaky and luckily I was able to finish the conversation with her.

My next step?  Texting my husband two words.  I failed.  

Immediately my phone rang (it was my husband) and I was able to maintain composure until the end of the conversation.  I sobbed.  I asked why.  I asked what did I do.  I asked how could this have happened.  I met up with my husband for lunch and I cried the second he got to my car.  And I cried. And cried. And cried.  (Pregnancy hormones much!?!?!)

Me? Gestational Diabetes? No way.  No way in the world could healthy me have "THAT" disease.  

Over the next two days I cried more than I've ever cried in my life.  I sat on the couch, googling "glucose test", "gestational diabetes", and probably a million other things.  After I got done googling, I cried some more.  I laid in bed trying to nap.  But I cried.  My husband came home from work and guess what?  CRYING again. 

I continually asked myself why this was happening to me.  How it could be possible that after eating healthy and working out for the first 28 weeks of this pregnancy, how could I possibly be one of "those" people with "gestational diabetes".  Sure, I have a pretty good sweet tooth thanks for my precious baby jelly bean (my love for chocolate has grown exponentially since becoming pregnant), but really? Could this cause it?

I was convinced that I was a "bad" mom and that I had already had my first FAIL as a new mom.  How could I do this to my baby? What kind of mother am I? What will happen to my baby if I don't get this under control? What will my friends think of me?

My thoughts were driving me crazy.  I was asking every person I know who recently had a baby about this test.  And I cried.  I continued to google things.  All while asking more and more people about their experiences.  Oh, and I cried some more. 

Tuesday night, I cried myself to sleep.  And when I woke up Wednesday morning, guess what?  CRYING! Finally I dragged myself out of bed and tried to put on a happy, chipper, "Lauren" smile.  

I made a healthy breakfast of scrambled eggs and a small bowl of fruit.  I nervously ate, thinking "should I be eating this"? Then I sat there thinking, will eating this fruit mess up my three hour test on Thursday morning? 

Luckily I had things to do on Wednesday to keep me busy, but then lunch time rolled around and I was lost.  Should I have carbs? Should I eat a salad? What about fruit? I decided on a PB sandwich on multi-grain bread and some cucumber slices with ranch dip.  The entire time I ate, I kept thinking "jelly bean needs more than this".  But, I ate what was on my plate and walked away. 

I googled "what to eat" the night before a glucose tolerance test.  I couldn't believe the crap that I saw about people wanting to cheat the system.  Why.  Why on earth would you want to potentially put your baby and yourself in harms way?

LABELS. That's why.  No one wants to be labeled with "gestational diabetes".  Think about it.  One of the first things that may come to your mind is "poor eating habits", "lack of exercise", or "doesn't care about her baby".  

NOT TRUE AT ALL. 

I couldn't be further from that.  I have good eating habits, I exercise almost every day and I care more about my baby than I do anything in my life right now. She is my world.  She is a precious gift from God to my husband and I. We struggled getting pregnant and I'm not about to let something happen to her.

After I walked away from the computer, I went to lay down - jelly bean is a little stinker and only moves sometimes when I'm laying down.  As I laid there, we had a good conversation.  I told her that we needed to be in this together.  I'll be there for me, she'll be there for me.  I told her we're a team. I told her that I'll always be there. Without a doubt.  But I told her that we had an important job to do and that is to be calm and just deal with it. After this little pep talk, I got up, went to the gym, and decided that there can no longer be tears about this.

Why no tears? Well, it's not even definite that I have gestational diabetes.  I won't find out until sometime next week.  I looked up some eating plans for women who have been diagnosed and it seems to me to be totally manageable - watch the carbs and sugar. Exercise.  Get sleep. And don't stress.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy for me. Well, all but that last one.  Don't stress.  For anyone who knows me personally, I don't know how to NOT stress.  I'm a ball of stress.  But just like I told my little jelly bean, we need to just deal with it.  So, I decided to just start limiting carbs even if the test results come back that I'm fine.  It's better for jelly bean and I anyways.  Plus, the diet I would need to follow if the results were positive for GD is very close to what I did to lose over 100lbs a few years ago.  No carbs and limit sugar.  

I know gestational diabetes has a negative connotation as well as a label that equates to the notion that the mom is a slacker who doesn't care about her health.  Not true.  This is something that can't be prevented, sometimes it's genetic.  Other times it's due to the hormones in the mom's body that causes it.  Either way, I've learned to look past the label.  I've learned that I didn't do anything wrong.  I've learned to not be ashamed or feel embarrassed.  

If anything, I'll prevent myself from putting on too much weight these last 10 weeks of my pregnancy and I'll avoid putting crap into my body and into my baby's body.  No one should really be eating too many carbs anyways or that third scoop of ice cream in your bowl.

So, the next time you think of labeling a person.... try to think of how you've felt when you were once labeled.  

No one that I know made me feel bad for possibly having this condition, but I know there are people out there who hear one word and automatically throw a label on it.  Remember, you never know the circumstances behind someone's situation, so choose your thoughts and words wisely.  You just might never know the true story.  

I'll be sure to keep you posted on the results of my test.  It's ridiculous for me to be ashamed if it comes back positive for GD.  So I will be sure to share the next steps I'll be taking.

But let me leave you with one thing... 
This was my dinner tonight. Sauteed shrimp and veggies with a very small amount of whole grain spaghetti (I promise, it's under there somewhere.)  Somehow, if I do have GD, I think I'll manage since this meal doesn't look all that terrible to you, does it?

Simply Blessed,
Lauren

Talk about a blogging hiatus!

Whoa.  

My last post was January? Zoikes!

But really, there's a good reason for that.  My husband and I have a baby girl on the way! :)  Our little jelly bean (we are keeping her name top secret until delivery day) is due August 29th and we couldn't be more excited. Here's a sneak peek at our precious gift from God. 


Between baby girl and grad school, life has been unbelievably hectic lately.  I'm just about to wrap up my masters' program in Educational Leadership, which should free up about 9 weeks until the arrival of our little jelly bean.  

So my friends, stay tuned for updates about baby girl! I will be sure to throw in some healthy recipes too.  Oh, and in case you're wondering - I've managed to maintain my workout schedule at the gym.  Surely I'm not walking at a speed of 4.0 on a 12.0 incline these days, but I strive for 5-6 days of cardio every week! :) It keeps mama and baby healthy and it restores some energy - which for being almost 30 weeks pregnant is pretty good!!! I'm just waiting for my energy level to drop like it did during the first trimester!

I hope the first half of 2014 has been as wonderful for you as it has for us! 

Simply Blessed,
Lauren 
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